Needs her own reality show

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Conversations With A Toddler: A short play in 3 acts

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Act I, Scene 1: Not the brightest crayon in the box...

Ari: (discovers a piece of paper on the table) I color! I color? I color!

Me: Baby, you can't color without crayons.

Ari: I color! I color!

Me: That's nice, but there's nothing to write with.

Ari: I color! I color! I color!

Me: Honey, you don't have any crayons.

Ari: (falls silent, looks at her hands, then puts the paper down and walks away)


Act I, Scene 2: Still not the brightest crayon in the box...

Ari: (grabbing a piece of paper) I color! I color!

Me: (handing her a pen) Here you go.

Ari: (promptly writes on her hand, stares at it, then gets upset) Mess! Mess! Uuunnnhhhh!

Me: (attempts to spit-scrub it off, with only slight results)

Ari: (clearly disgruntled at my feeble attempt) Mess! Meeeeeeess!

Me: It's fine, baby. Here, color on the paper. (demonstrates the art of writing on paper)

Ari: (sufficiently distracted) I color!

Me: Yes, you color. Good job.

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Act II: Already attempting to delay bedtime...

Me: Ari, go say good night to Daddy.

Ari: (ignoring me, and running to the closet where we keep the dog treats) Treat? Treat!

Me: You can give the doggies treats after you say good night to Daddy.

Ari: (throws herself on the floor dramatically, wailing incomprehensibly about the unfairness that is her life)

Me: (ignores her)

Literally 2 seconds later...

Ari: (picks herself up off the floor and wanders over to Daddy) Nuh-night, Daddy.

Tony: (hugging her) Good night, baby. I love you.

Ari: Uv ooh. (makes a beeline for the closet) Treat? Treat!

Me: OK, now you can give the doggies treats.

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Act III: Morning hellos and goodbyes...

Ari: Hi, Daddy!

Tony: Hey, baby.

Ari: (to the dog on the bed) Hi, Sasha!

Me: No, that's Ivan.

Ari: (without missing a beat) Hi, Ivan!

Me: Say bye to Daddy.

Ari: Bye, Daddy! Bye-bye, Daddy!

A few minutes later, as I back the car out of the parking spot...

Ari: Bye, Daddy! Byyyyyyye, Daddy! (blowing him kisses) Mwah!