With each word, your tenderness grows

I've been doing a lot of mulling-over about my visit with my sister. I had a great time, as I said, and I loved getting to spend time with my newest nephew (even though he won't remember it). But spending so much time around an infant again has gotten me thinking in-depth about my journey (so far) through motherhood.

I was surprised how comfortable I felt with Matthew, yet at the same time, I was surprised how much I'd forgotten what the infant stage is like. Maybe is because Ari is growing and learning at such a fast pace now--I am so immersed in toddlerhood that I've forgotten what infancy is like. Maybe, in some way, spending time with Matthew was like a flashback to when Ari was an infant. Of course, he's not exactly the same as she was, but there are basic similarities. I've found myself comparing them in my mind--not comparing them from when Ari was an infant, but just comparing Matthew to how Ari is now.

I'd forgotten what it's like to put a kid down and know that he was going to stay put and not even roll over. Ari rarely holds still and often doesn't come when she's called. She possesses that standard toddler capability of being able to get into all sorts of trouble the second you turn your back. And she still surprises me with the things she can reach--things I thought were safely out of her grasp.

I'd forgotten how nice it is to strap a kid into a carseat and be able to pop that carseat into a car, a stroller, or even a shopping cart, without having to struggle with straps and buckles. Sure the carseat is heavy, but so is a squirmy toddler who just wants to get down and walk. That's not to mention the struggle of getting her to hold my hand in the parking lot, or struggling against her wiggling when I'm trying to get her in the carseat.

I'd forgotten what it's like to have a captive audience--and one who stares at you with sheer wonder for the simplest things you do. While Ari will still giggle at some of the stupid stuff I do, it definitely takes a lot more effort to hold her interest.

And, perhaps most bittersweet of all, I'd forgotten what it's like to have a baby who will let you hold him around the clock if you want. Matthew never once complained about being held, and he fell asleep in my arms multiple times. Ari lavishes hugs and kisses on me when she's in the mood, but if she's not in the mood, sometimes she won't even look at me, let alone touch me. And I don't even remember the last time she fell asleep in my arms.

I'm not trying to be negative here, and I'm not "mourning" the loss of infant-Ari. If anything, I feel a little odd sometimes that I'm not sadder about her growing up. Seems like most moms get all weepy at seeing how big their babies are getting, and I'm the opposite. Sure, there are some things I miss about babyhood--but it's mostly the practical-type things that made life back then seem easier. It's just as easy for me to list all the things I don't miss about Ari as a baby. I am loving toddlerhood. Sure, it's a whole new set of challenges (and already she is testing me so much more than she does with Tony--I see a lot of power struggles in our future), but I wouldn't trade those challenges for anything. Watching her learn and grow--watching her become a "real" person--is the most amazing thing.

So this begs the question... did spending time with Matthew make me want another baby? Quite honestly, no. Much as I loved him, I know I am not ready for another infant in my life. I want to enjoy Ari's first few years unhindered by the demands of another child. I sometimes try to imagine what my life would be like if I had an infant right now (because it's obviously possible that that could have happened), and I can't fathom it. I'm not saying I'm a perfect mom, but I do feel like I have a good handle on being a mom--like I've struck a good balance with my roles as a mom, wife, friend, individual. Throwing another baby into the mix would just not work for me right now. And I'm OK with that. So is Tony. We are in a good place, our little 3-person family.

The 2nd night I was home from my trip to Ohio, we got together for dinner with some friends. Since I came straight from work, Tony and I had separate cars, and I took Ari home with me. Here is the "conversation" we had on the way home. (And as you read, you have to imagine that the word "Mommy" was being repeated non-stop--she was not actually pausing to let me answer.)

Ari: (very excited and shout-y) Mommy! Mommy!

Me: What?

Ari: Mommy! Mommy!

Me: Yes?

Ari: Mommy! Mommy!

Me: What is it, baby?

Ari: Mommy! Mommy!

Me: Tell me.

Ari: Mommy! Mommy!

Me: (imitating her) Ari! Ari!

Ari: Mommy! Mommy!

I am not exaggerating when I say that this entire conversation kept repeating itself for the entire 15-minute car ride home. Funny how such an inane conversation can be one of the favorite parts of my day. I missed that sweet little voice while I was away.

To end, here are 2 new Ari videos. The first is the one I mentioned already--her riding the horse at Wal-Mart. You can hear her say "horsey" and "whee" (though the unenthusiastic way she says it cracks me up). I think she enjoyed the horsey ride--she just seemed a little wary. Oh, and you can also see her cousin Taryn at the end.



And this is a video from a couple weeks ago. We were riding in the car, and Ari was just cracking us up--talking, laughing, doing all sorts of stuff just to get our attention and be silly. So I whipped out the video camera, and this is what I got. (And the reason I'm saying "ha ha" so obnoxiously is that I was trying to get her to do her fake laugh. Which, as you will see, was a futile attempt.)