I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter

Click below to listen to the music while you read... (There's no video--just audio.)



As the music started, I knew, even before Meryl Streep started singing the words, what type of song this would be--a sentimental mother-daughter song. And I knew I would cry.

Schoolbag in hand
She leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye
With an absent-minded smile
I watch her go
With a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I'm losing her forever
And without really entering her world
I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl

And even as I felt the tears form in my eyes, I almost felt silly for allowing them. Next to me was my friend Dawn--her daughter, 17, is about a month away from heading off to college. I could see tears shining in Dawn's eyes, too, and that made sense. If anyone knew the impact, the meaning, of words like these, it was her. So why was I crying?

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Sure, I'm a mom, but barely. I mean, in the grand scheme of things, I'm pretty clueless about this whole mom thing, and I certainly have no knowledge of what it's like to watch your child leave. Ari isn't even close to going to school yet, let alone leaving for college or getting married or anything like that.

Sleep in our eyes
Her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake
I let precious time go by
Then when she's gone
There's that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt
I can't deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
Well some of that we did
But most we didn't
And why I just don't know

Maybe it was a longing. A longing for that close mother-daughter connection that I saw on-screen. Maybe it was because I hope, with all my heart, that Ari will someday be just as broken up about leaving me as I am about watching her go. Or maybe it was the knowledge that no matter how hard I try to make the most of the time we have, it's inevitable that precious moments will pass me by too quickly--or, worse, that I will find myself too busy or too preoccupied to even notice the moments when they happen.

Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time

Or maybe it was because, in some small way, moments like this make me understand, slightly, how my own mother must have felt when she watched me go off to college, get married, move away, have a daughter of my own. It will be years before I experience any of those moments firsthand, but maybe, in some small way, I am beginning to know how it feels. Behind my tears, I could feel my heart ache. Because as far away as it might be, I know the moment is coming. Ari will grow up, and she won't need me the way she does now.

Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers

In church yesterday, after the service was over, I was packing up our things when I heard a little squeal of joy. I turned and saw Ari running right toward me, a smile beaming from her face, her arms outstretched. You would think she hadn't seen me in days, rather than the short hour it had actually been. I squatted down and opened my arms, ready to receive her, but also just as ready for her to stop in her tracks and run the other direction, as she often does.

But she barely slowed down as she barrelled into my arms, and I had to catch myself to keep from toppling over. After a short hug, I scooped her up in my arms and we walked away together. She babbled in my ear, and I couldn't stop smiling.

Schoolbag in hand
She leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile

In the mood for some peppy Mamma Mia! music yesterday, I went to YouTube and found some of my favorite songs from the movie: "Honey, Honey," "Mamma Mia," "Take a Chance on Me." Ari was playing nearby, but I wasn't necessarily playing the music for her benefit--I wasn't even sure she'd notice. But out of the corner of my eye, I saw her start to dance--arms flailing, body twisting, her face all lit up with glee as she nearly made herself dizzy with her wild dance moves. I turned up the volume, pulled myself out of my chair, and danced right along with her. Delighted to have a partner, Ari danced even more enthusiastically, and we imitated each other's moves, laughing and smiling together.

I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl

(lyrics from "Slipping Through My Fingers" from Mamma Mia!)

---

Widgets & Flash Toys