The anxiety of being Ari

Last night was another dramatic-bedtime night for Ari, and I think I've figured out the root of all this. I think (in my professional, expert Mom opinion) that she's entered the dreaded Separation Anxiety stage.

I was the one to put her to bed last night, and as I sang her our bedtime song, she was restless in my arms, instead of laying her head on my shoulder like she usually does. It was as though she knew what was coming and was beginning her resistance. When I laid her down, she protested softly, and the second I stepped out of the room, she screamed.

Tony went back in first, and then I took the next turn. I began to sing to her, and she reached for my hand just like the night before. But I left before she was asleep, and the screaming resumed. Tony was finally the one that was able to settle her down by taking a sterner approach--he firmly told her it was bedtime, laid her down, and then stood in the doorway where she could see him, but not reach him. I'm not sure if he stood there until she fell asleep, but whatever he did, it worked.

As we talked later, I was a bit surprised to find out how differently we were handling it. I was taking the much more sentimental approach--deciding to view this as an opportunity to spend a little extra bonding time with her, and wanting to comfort her and settle her completely. Whereas Tony was looking at this more like she was being a brat, and was being much more firm with her and less touchy-feely. I'm not saying either one of us was right or wrong--I just think it's interesting how we differed. My approach worked the previous night--I held her hands and sang to her until she was asleep. But his routine worked last night.

When we compared notes on her behavior, we both came to the same conclusion... it really seems to be a separation issue. We know she's plenty tired enough, so it's not that she's not sleepy. Maybe her teeth are bothering her, but that's one of those "you never can tell" situations. She's had a bit of a runny nose the past couple days, but she doesn't seem truly sick. She has nightlights in her room, so I know it's not the darkness that's freaking her out. When she napped yesterday, Tony made a point of leaving her door open, wondering if maybe that would help her relax (worked then, but not at bedtime). But the clincher is the way she screams the second we leave the room--and calms down the second we reappear, even before we speak or do anything. She just doesn't want us to leave.

And if we had any doubts about the separation anxiety, Ari confirmed it all for me this morning. I dropped her off with Mom--we met in the Ruby Tuesday's parking lot like normal. There have been a few times when I've dropped Ari off with Mom where she's cried once I shut her door and leave. But today, as soon as I started strapping her in the carseat, she began squirming and whining--and then started grabbing onto my clothes, as though she was trying to climb out of the seat. I strapped her in quickly, gave her several quick, noisy kisses on the forehead, and then closed the door and walked away. I didn't want to drag things out with a long goodbye, but I didn't want to be heartless either. I got back in my car, and glanced over to Mom's car. Ari is tall enough now that I can see the top half of her head through the window, and I could see her tear-filled eyes gazing desperately at me, willing me to come back.

I don't think leaving her has ever been as hard as it was in that moment. It's so much easier to leave a kid who could care less that you're leaving (well, maybe harder in the sense that it hurts a little to think that your kid won't even notice you're gone, but you know what I mean). And it's definitely easy to leave a kid who's just being bratty or cranky. But to turn away from those trusting little eyes, that panicky cry, that look of "Don't leave me! Please! Are you ever coming back? Don't leave me!"... well, that just breaks my heart.

My new mantra is going to be, "It's just a phase... It's just a phase." Because it is. But it's hard to know what to do--you don't want to make the problem worse, but how do you know what will make it worse? Do you coddle her and soothe her irrational fears, or do you stand firm on your bedtime routine and let her work it out on her own? I tend to lean more toward the "cry it out" philosophy, but I try to find a balance. I'm not going to be completely heartless and let her scream for hours--I don't mind singing an extra song or 2, or holding her hand. But you have to draw the line somewhere, right? She's been such an excellent sleeper until now--I don't want to "ruin" that.

I can't help but wonder if my status as a "working mom" colors my view on all this. My quality time with her is rare--so when she cries out in the night, just wanting someone beside her, everything in me wants to go to her and let her know that even though I've been gone all day, I'll be there for her at night. Somehow, it feels doubly mean to abandon her all day, and then ignore her at night, too. Ahh, good old Mommy Guilt...

As Tony and I talked last night, we couldn't help but laugh a little at how clueless we felt. Ari has literally been sleeping through the night since she was 2 months old, so when it comes to dealing with a child who refuses to go to bed and wakes up during the night--we are just stumped. And it's a little comical.

At least we can find the humor in all this...