Three years

It happened right after I climbed into bed last night. Even though it was a few minutes after midnight (and therefore already September 16th), I lay there and it struck me... Today was September 15th. It's been 3 years.

And then, just as suddenly, I was awash in a strange mix of emotions... relief, guilt, lingering grief, a melancholy happiness. I still miss those 2 sweet puppies, but time has softened the pain into a gentle ache that only flares up every now and then.

What makes my forgetfulness even stranger is that we now drive by the very spot where they were hit twice a week, because the field where Ari plays and practices soccer is on that same road. (Aside from soccer, we rarely drive that direction.) And on Saturday, the 14th, the day they were both hit and the day Sasha died, we drove right past that spot on our way to Ari's third soccer game. Yet, for whatever reason, my brain didn't make the connection between the date and the place until almost two days later.

I don't worry that I will ever forget them completely. There are enough reminders surrounding me... a large frame filled with photos, a daughter who still voices her sorrow now and then, our new dog (who we joke is the reincarnation of both of them, an uncanny mix of Sasha's looks and Ivan's personality), the tattoo that I designed in tribute to them (forever inked on my right side). But it is a beautiful relief to know that I can think of them now without falling apart.

There was a time when these memories burned like the summer sun, relentless and unhindered in a cloudless sky, making everything miserable. But now, these memories glow like the sun in springtime, bright and alive, still intense at times, but accompanied by the occasional cloud and gentle breeze that keep the heat from becoming unbearable.